March 10, 2006

My friend insisted that I comment about this topic, because I am an older mom. So here it goes, this is for you GC.

I have doubts as to the motive of  the editors question?  Is she in a position to judge? I wondered. Is she an older mom, who now regrets the decicion to become a mom at a later time in her life? Is she writting from experience? Is she the child of an older mom she wished had had her in her younger years? or is she just asking this question for the heck of it to get a rebuttal.  Well here goes
I can tell you, that I have been a both ends of the question.  I talk from experirence and not speculation.  
At 24, I was married, owned a home, had 3 cars and had 3 children.  Both my husband and I worked full time to provide for our children and “their future”  Our kids bounced around different babysitters as tottlers.  During the school years, I remember sending them to school many  times sick, because we had no choice, we couldn’t afford to call in one more sick day at work. Often we get home late in the evening and half-A–, check their homework.  We were hardly involved in their school activities. Because we had to work to provide for “their future.”
Now those kids have grown up, are married and living their own lifes.  Not the ones I planned for them when they were young.  They are going through their own parenting nightmares. My plans for “their future” went out the door.  Now at 46, I became a mom again.  I have a two year old and one on the way next month.  It is the best decision I ever made.  After 30 years of working, there was no question in my mind that my children came before me.  I was quitting my job to become a full time mom.  There were going to be no babysitters, nannys, grandma’s or aunty Maes’ I was going to be a real mom.  In doing so, I am finding out so many things I missed out the first time around, and I can’t help but wonder how I unconsciously hurt my children.  My priorities than were to provide, to plan for “their future”, therefore I worked so that I could.  Who are we kidding, it wasn’t their future, it was to live confortable with all the things we wanted, not the things we needed. I see that now. My priorities should have been to be a loving, caring, teaching stay home mom.  I now know that I could have done without allot of the material things I thought my children needed.  All they really needed was me, to be there for them, to care for them, to fed them, to see my face when they woke up in the mornings , to pick them up when they fell and confort them.  All the things that you can’t put a price on.  

Becoming a mom at a later time in life is a matter of choice.  But  it has a price.  The baby machine doesn’t always work anymore, so you have to resort to Fertility Clinics.  Many times it’s frustrating, it’s time comsuming, and very costly.

Back in the days when our grandmothers and maybe our mothers had numerous pregnancies at no choice of their own.  Maybe contraception was not available to them, maybe  their religious beliefs got in the way, maybe they had domineering husbands and abortion was out of the question.  Now a days it is a matter or choice.  I personally chose to be a mom at a later part of my life because I now know what I can offer my child, emotionally, spiritually, we are stable in life, we won’t make “the mistakes” a young mom might make.  We don’t all fall under the same catergory for being an “Older Mom.”  Some of us do it for the love and security we can offer our baby, for the caring and understanding we now can provide with knowledge we have accumulated throughout the  years.  Now we are on “our child’s time”.  You see these young moms running arrands, pulling their little children around, unfed, unnapped,unbathed, hungry,running around on their time, you can’t help but feel sorry for these kids and angry as to why this young women continues to get pregnant.  You see all these young women in the Welfare offices, WIC offices the same scenario over and over again.
Those who can sit and judge an older mom, well, let me tell you, that we are raising a society of day care infants, with children being raised like bunnies in nurseries, missing out on the love and care and  feedings only a mother can give them.  No wonder we have so many screwed up kids in our society today with no home base that can’t tell right from wrong.  All they do is bounce around from one baby sitter to another, one facility to another.  You can’t compare a child raised in a loving environment as opposed to a child raised by strangers.  The first 5 years of a child’s life determines the rest of his/her life.
When this society starts believing that a mother is too old to love a child, this society is already lost.  A mother is not only a biological mother, there are adoptive mothers, foster mothers, surrogate mothers, etc.  If everyone thought that One was too old to be a mom, what would happen to all those children that are adopted by older couples?   All those children that are being abused they their young parents, even killed?  What would happen to those who are  in the foster care system?  Should they not have been placed in a loving home regardless of the age of the parents, should they have not been given a chance to share the love of an older mom , rather than none at all?  Or are you going to say that is a different scenerio? NOT, A  mom is a mom, no matter what the what the circumstances are and how old she is.  You can’t put price on love.  The world today would be a better place if the older women didn’t give up on motherhood and took the risk many of us are taking now.  I think the real question should be…TOO YOUNG TO BE A MOM?