one of my kids, whom i will refer to as dc (dear child), is challenging due mostly (i think) to temperament.  (trying not to give away gender, as singling out one kid on the net will make me feel even worse).  dc is pretty shy and a classic example of slow-to-warm-up, but we've been working on that, and come a long way.  yet dc is still pretty moody and is prone to pouting and scowling when things aren't going the right way, or even just because.  dc is also VERY concrete and literal.  smart, good at school, but abstract thought is anathema to this child.  and conversation is a very low priority, attempted only grudgingly.  social interaction is ok with peers, but i know that will change as the peer group demands more intense social interactions (a weakness), rather than active play (a strength).  

i am usually very good at figuring out kids, in fact people often use me to figure out their own, but dc is stumping me big time.  there are definitely distractibility issues, which may interfere with learning later on, but are ok for now.  and activity level is pretty high too, but not ridiculously so.  dk is not an unhappy kid... giggly even, when in the right mood, but not a joyful kid either.  not everyone can be, i get that. that's part of the whole temperament thing, and most of the time, dc is pretty even-keeled.  i can't think of one diagnosis that "fits", and i've known/worked with just about all of them... a bit adhd, a bit aspergers-y, with a bit of sensory processing stuff thrown in, but not enough of any one thing to bring about a clear diagnosis.  

what this means as a parent, is that it's tricky to connect.  we are a very verbal family, conversation is huge, so there is a big gap there.  i've spent a lot of time 1:1 with dc, but any attempts to chat are still very much spurned.  i've learned to enjoy riding around in the car just listening to music together.  or reading.  or swimming. or writing notes.  but i still feel like we are both missing out, and i worry what will happen socially as dc gets older.   dc often prefers to be alone, though really does enjoy other kids too.  i know both receptive and expressive language skills are well above age level (i tested a few years ago)... but they're just not all that frequently used.  virtually all "conversation" with dc revolves around the surrounding environment, describing what's happening at that moment, asking factual questions, or just meeting the basic needs of being a kid.  it is a very basic way of communicating.  

part of me thinks that if someone said, "oh, dc has X", then i would relax a bit and reframe our experience.  but the other part of me knows that dc is the way dc is, so even if a diagnosis were possible, how would that help at this point?  it could all just be temperament, or personality, or whatever.  and i don't think strategies would change much... trying to respect who dc, work on strengths, while trying to expand experiences and the comfort zone.  

so i guess, i'd love to hear if other MTers have similar experience or advice.  i am torn between using my teacher head and my mama heart to do what's best, and i'm mostly sad that connecting is such a challenge.  it happens, but there's tons of frustration in between.  how do you all deal with what thomas & chess (77) described as the "goodness of fit" between you and your child, if that fit is less than ideal?  dc is smart and kind and loving, enjoys hugs, is really sweet to siblings, and a great kid.  so why does this bother me so much?  changing expectations for learning would be one thing, but changing expectations about relationships is very challenging for me.   the balance of trying to respect who dc is, while helping dc to connect with other people eludes me. i feel awful for being frustrated, and i know it doesn't help.  my partner is similarly stumped, but less affected by it.   thanks for reading... i hope some of this made some bit of sense.