Little Victories

June 12, 2006

My ex-husband and I split up before my daughter’s second birthday. I should have never gotten married and quite honestly wasn’t mature enough to have kids. So, there I was, a 25 year old, immature, selfish, newly separated mother of a little girl. When I think back to those times, I can’t help but feel sad and a tremendous amount of guilt for not being “there” for my daughter. I mean, I WAS there, but I WASN’T there.  

Despite my ex-husband’s shortcomings, I have him to thank for providing my daughter with the love and stability I wasn’t able to provide for her.

Once I became pregnant with my son, things needed to change and I made some life altering changes. The result being that my son had the mother that my daughter didn’t have in those critical formative years.

With THAT realization comes tremendous guilt.

My daughter will soon be 12 and has only had a “good mother” for the past 7 years. My inability to be a “good mother” to my daughter has it’s consequences. My daughter has always preferred her father over me. If she had her way, she would have chosen to live with him and that observation was a very painful one for me.  

The tide is slowly changing…

The Wednesday before the Da Vinci Code movie was released, my daughter and I were watching television. She turned to me, and very excitedly started planning our Friday evening. She wanted to go to Hollywood and watch the movie, followed by a sushi dinner. I reminded her that the Friday in question she was scheduled to be with her father, to which she responded, “Awwww….do I HAVE to go with him??” Even thinking about it now, makes my eyes well up. Never before had she wanted to stay with me, especially on her father’s weekend.

It’s taken seven years. Baby steps…