Family Friendly Entertainment

March 5, 2006

In honor of the Oscars tonight, I’m throwing up this post from our old Blogspot site, with updates! On Dove’s website, you can read why each of tonight’s winning films are NOT APPROVED!

Got a cold call from the Dove Foundation, a nonprofit committed to lobbying Hollywood to make more “good, morally sound” movies that reflect Judeo-Christian ethics. I swear, the guy’s voice was the closest I’ve ever heard to a voice-recognition recording. There was even a disquieting pause after my answers, as though they were being electronically processed. The caller’s subsequent remark would be wholly unrelated to my comment. Robots for Christ.

Creepy silence greeted my comments that my family watches very little TV, and that I perceived there to be plenty of family friendly movies out there. (Not to mention family-friendly activities besides staring at a screen together.) Dove responded that perhaps I needed more information. Hmmm…

Their shtick?

…to encourage and promote the creation, production, distribution and consumption of wholesome family entertainment.  We are supported primarily by donations from families such as yours who want to move Hollywood in a more family-friendly direction.  

No surprise then, that Dove’s advisory board is stocked with Christian booksellers, washed-up actors, and TV producers associated with mawkish slop like “Touched by an Angel.”

Dove’s movie reviews are hilarious! The reviewer will describe the film in earnest, even express their enjoyment of it, then explain why it’s not approved. Example: “Good Night and Good Luck” has 2 GDs (that’s goddamn, in case you wondered…) Check out the report card for “Jarhead.”  Now that’s entertainment!

Update: The Dove robot called me back a few weeks later! The voice began to recount how I agreed with Dove that there was a dearth of good kid flicks. “No, that’s not what I said,” I protested, then set them straight. Again, a strange silence, followed by a calm, cheerful non sequitor. Rinse and repeat. Then I said, “Hey! This is a recording, isn’t it? I’m not even talking to a live person, am I?” Suddenly, an entirely different voice broke in, one with the hub-bub of a call center in the background. “Of course this is a live person!” she said, breathlessly. Then a third voice pipes in from the wings, along with the clickety clack of technical difficulties: “She thinks it’s a recording…” Then the line goes dead. Must have been Jesus jamming up their equipment for being such little fibbers! Busted!